PoT: Mirror Writing: Backstage - Part One

[branchandroot]

Fic post from my archive.

Backstage: Part One

Tezuka and Atobe meet while out fishing, in the Spring of their third year of high school. Conversation, verbal jousting, poetry, philosophy, angst, dramatics and humor ensue. Drama with Budding Romance, I-3

Keigo took a few deep breaths; he would not, he told himself strenuously, scream with frustration. No matter how cathartic it might be just now. He had an image to maintain, even if Tezuka didn't usually believe it.

Comments

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

Ooooh....damn you. You are evil. Which is the highest of compliments, let me assure you. ^^; I um....I like this. Wow. You are brilliant, and you have such a good handle on both their characters. Argh. I am going to end up kind of liking this pairing. >< Garr. I hate you. XD ♥

Small note, because I tripped over this line--This present, still calm, ironically, was not helping his peace of mind, Keigo reflected as he cast his line out.

The grammar confused me, and I had to reread it a couple times...too many commas, I think. Then I had fun figuring out how I would have worded it so that it was a little smoother. ^^ Purely for my own personal amusement, since you definitely don't need technical comments from the likes of me. XD But anyway, if you care, I probably would have made it... This present, still calm was not helping his peace of mind, Keigo reflected ironically as he cast his line out.

Something like that. Hm. It's still slightly awkward, I think. *ponders* I like the effect of 'ironically' coming earlier in the sentence, but it does require commas no matter where you put it, and still makes me trip over which word is modifying what part of the sentence. I'd actually probably sacrifice grammar for effect in this instance, and go with omitting a comma even though it should technically be there, like so--

This present still calm was, ironically, not helping his peace of mind, Keigo reflected as he cast his line out.

Or perhaps combining removal of said comma with 'ironically, was not' that you had originally....I just also like the emphasis you get from breaking up the verb phrase 'was not helping'. ^^ Okay, done now, sorry! [/end linguistic rambling] XD

[branchandroot]

*basks in the accolade of evilness*

Grammar is a toy; play is good! I rather like the second way you constructed it. With only two list items, actually, it's fairly acceptable to leave out the comma. And I definitely like the break in the verb phrase. That's an Atobe way to phrase it.