One typo I can recall - I think there was a second one, but now I can't remember (all the words from today, pounding in my head):
"So that's where these came from," he said softly, brushing his thumb across the calluses on Roy's fingertips. Roy only lifted one shoulder, sketching a shrug.
I get the point of what Roy's doing, but this part, it felt like you started to head in one direction, and then dropped it too quickly:
"Sometimes problems solve each other," Roy murmured in such a detached voice that ice threaded down Ed's spine. He couldn't possibly mean...
It seriously felt like, for a moment there, you were willing to let Roy's detachment determine that he would summarily end his (intimate) relationship with Edward rather than risk his own plans. Okay, that's very IC for Roy. Despite the running joke about him being a lady's man in the anime (not so much in the manga), he doesn't seem like someone who would do more than dally, for the most part, and even then would never let the person in. I can see him easily and willingly setting aside his emotional involvement if it stood in the way of his plans.
What that would mean to Edward, though, is the part that feels like it just got cut off, too abruptly. Instead, you switched too fast. Either Edward doesn't jump to that conclusion, but instead determines that Roy's saying he'll be okay (even without Ed around) - in which case, Hawkeye's reassurance holds merit... or, Edward still hears that message, and Hawkeye's reassurance is moot. So she'll keep Roy safe; if Roy's willing to end the relationship to fulfill his plans (if the only option is an annoyed and protective Edward), I would expect Edward to acknowledge but not be reassured. Her assurance doesn't address the underlying issue, after all.
So it comes across less like a mislead, and more like you pulled us too far away from Edward's head, and followed with a bait-and-switch. I don't think a mislead works here. Instead, I'd suggest giving Edward a few sentences - before Hawkeye's move - to separate at least the beginnings of the tangle. 'I'm mad because he's going off, and I can't do a damn thing about it to help or protect,' and 'I'm mad because I think he's willing to ditch what we have if he thinks I'm going to get in his way, that bastard.'
If you at least imply the issues - envy of Hawkeye, for being the one Roy chose (even if it's recognized later as an irrational envy), anger, betrayal, etc - then you can retrace them as Edward stalks the city towards Roy's house. In some ways, it's just that you jump too quickly from the original situation, and don't investigate thoroughly how Ed feels about something that's truly a difficult question. Just suggesting you take the time to explore, is all - at least, that's the part that really left me wanting, as I read. Then there's more of an emotional segue into Ed's willingness to turn the tables, as it were.
"A desk," he reminded Roy without opening his eyes. "For the rest of eternity."
Gotta say: love that line! ;D
Woooo, now revise, polish, wave a rubber chicken over it, whatever, so I can post on the archives! *does the happy dance*
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"So that's where these came from," he said softly, brushing his thumb across the calluses on Roy's fingertips. Roy only lifted one shoulder, sketching a shrug.
I get the point of what Roy's doing, but this part, it felt like you started to head in one direction, and then dropped it too quickly:
"Sometimes problems solve each other," Roy murmured in such a detached voice that ice threaded down Ed's spine. He couldn't possibly mean...
It seriously felt like, for a moment there, you were willing to let Roy's detachment determine that he would summarily end his (intimate) relationship with Edward rather than risk his own plans. Okay, that's very IC for Roy. Despite the running joke about him being a lady's man in the anime (not so much in the manga), he doesn't seem like someone who would do more than dally, for the most part, and even then would never let the person in. I can see him easily and willingly setting aside his emotional involvement if it stood in the way of his plans.
What that would mean to Edward, though, is the part that feels like it just got cut off, too abruptly. Instead, you switched too fast. Either Edward doesn't jump to that conclusion, but instead determines that Roy's saying he'll be okay (even without Ed around) - in which case, Hawkeye's reassurance holds merit... or, Edward still hears that message, and Hawkeye's reassurance is moot. So she'll keep Roy safe; if Roy's willing to end the relationship to fulfill his plans (if the only option is an annoyed and protective Edward), I would expect Edward to acknowledge but not be reassured. Her assurance doesn't address the underlying issue, after all.
So it comes across less like a mislead, and more like you pulled us too far away from Edward's head, and followed with a bait-and-switch. I don't think a mislead works here. Instead, I'd suggest giving Edward a few sentences - before Hawkeye's move - to separate at least the beginnings of the tangle. 'I'm mad because he's going off, and I can't do a damn thing about it to help or protect,' and 'I'm mad because I think he's willing to ditch what we have if he thinks I'm going to get in his way, that bastard.'
If you at least imply the issues - envy of Hawkeye, for being the one Roy chose (even if it's recognized later as an irrational envy), anger, betrayal, etc - then you can retrace them as Edward stalks the city towards Roy's house. In some ways, it's just that you jump too quickly from the original situation, and don't investigate thoroughly how Ed feels about something that's truly a difficult question. Just suggesting you take the time to explore, is all - at least, that's the part that really left me wanting, as I read. Then there's more of an emotional segue into Ed's willingness to turn the tables, as it were.
"A desk," he reminded Roy without opening his eyes. "For the rest of eternity."
Gotta say: love that line! ;D
Woooo, now revise, polish, wave a rubber chicken over it, whatever, so I can post on the archives! *does the happy dance*