branchandroot | characters, muses, stuff

A recent post made me think.

Do my characters really *talk* to me? Do I hold actual conversations with them?

I mean, when I write it out in here, that's what it looks like. But in a lot of ways it feels like I'm translating what actually happens, which isn't verbalization at all.

On the other hand, there were a few times while writing "Glow" when I started to write some action, usually for Ed, and got a very definite veto. If I translate it into words it goes something like

Ed: Excuse me? I am not letting him carry me, what the hell are you thinking!?

It doesn't happen in words, though. That's just what I translate it to when I want other people to be able to hear it.

It's a lot more like echolocation, that process of asking myself questions until I get a solid "bounce", a firm contact, a "yes, that's it". Feelings, not words.

Only, it isn't asking myself, for this.

Storyspace, where all these characters stay, is an odd one. It's not part of my self, for all that it's inside my head. It's a shared space. I make it *out of* my self, and then use it to store copies of characters I like, which are, in effect, other people. Other people with whom I can utilize the protocals for internal communication. It makes the process of writing... curious. The plot comes out of my head, and then I bounce it off the shape of the characters and listen for how they react. And translate their reaction into dialogue. But to make that bounce work, I have to take the characters a little out of Storyspace, a little into my self. That's what gives me the channel of communication that carries the "yes I would do that/no I wouldn't do that" response. There has to be a constant feedback between my awareness of the plot and my awareness of the shapes of the characters, so I can hear when there's a break in congruity. A bad note.

I think maybe this is why I write so fast, when I write the stories down. Nonverbal communication, the internal kind, is extremely fast. I need to translate fast to keep up with it.

So I guess I'd have to say my characters don't really *talk* to me. But communication certainly happens when I rummage around in Storyspace.

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Oh, hell. I had an entire response and the screen suddenly refreshed on my behalf... and it's all gone. Damn Microsoft. Shoot the damn programmers.

Anyway...I had a point.

*thinks*

Characters have never talked to me. The story does, though; at the same time, the story is never really plot-driven. It's more of a "drop the character in this environment, and see what happens" - so I'm rarely at a loss as to what will happen next, unless I'm unable to get inside a character's head.

Thing is, I've never had the problem of being too inside a character's head, which is a good thing, considering some of the content I've tackled, and plan to tackle. I'm currently 28 chapters into a story that addresses the healing process for a victim of torture (in essence), and I have yet to write a chapter that didn't make at least four or five reviewers cry - if not more. Each time, I'm a little startled by their response, especially when it's one or two lines that prompted such a reaction. I didn't see it, although I will feel the twist in my gut reading someone else's story, I don't when it's my own. Hell, my own lemons don't do jack for me. I'm...detached, somehow. Not the right word. It's kind of like asking the keyboard how it feels about what's on the screen, I suppose. I only know, these words belong here, and these words do not. I change accordingly, but I can't guage the emotional reaction.

I've only had one character pushing to get out, and she was a joy to write, but that was mostly because there was a story that came with her. I think what I feel most often isn't related to characters, but stories. Sometimes I feel desperate, driven, and I lie in bed thinking, I should get up and write. The story is bugging me - GET IT OUT! Like I'm running out of time, if that makes sense. This would explain how, in the past six or seven months, I've produced a chapter roughly every day and a half...like I'm not even in control. Gadz, I probably sound like an addict, but it's an addict in reverse - instead of using the drug, I'm producing it.

I think maybe this is why I write so fast, when I write the stories down. Nonverbal communication, the internal kind, is extremely fast. I need to translate fast to keep up with it.

Yah. I think that's part of it. I tend to type fast, but it's a desperate kind of speed - like I'm screaming to the story to WAIT UP, I'm typing as fast as I can! Almost like taking down notes while life is going on around you, and when you're tracking that nonverbal, it does move faster than words. Lightening-fast. I suppose there are conversations going inside my head, balancing this line against that, these words against that, this plot twist against that, but because of the speed, I don't see it. Seamless? Opaque, perhaps. Odd, that it would be opaque to me.

What's strange is that when I slow down - as I have, at points, out of a sense that I should - I always trip. The metaphors are too clunky, the characterization too flat. When I speed up, I get these reviews back that laud the metaphor, the subtle use of this or reference to that, and I can only think: the what? Hunh? Are you reading the same story I wrote? Now I understand Tolkein's comment that if you want to read Gandalf the White appearing on the Plain as some sort of avenging angel, you can, but that's not what was in his head when writing - he was busying thinking, move this character here, and then this will happen...Yah, now I understand. The story just takes care of itself, if you can keep up.

*wrings fingers*

Sometimes I can't keep up, and I feel like I'll go mad.

I haven't done this with prose yet, my characters are more for scenes and emotions right now. But for poetry? Oh yeah. That stuff pours out, and going back to revise is pure torture; rhyming scheme either happens or it doesn't, it appears by itself. Overarching theme? Sometimes I don't even know until I write the last line. The imagery just is; you grab elements and somehow it works.

*sighs* Usually if I can't keep up the story wanders away. Sometimes, if it's attracted by some connection it'll come back. Some of Jen's fanart called back the violin-bunny that I was almost sure had abandoned ship. Damn frustrating, when they don't come back.

Each time, I'm a little startled by their response, especially when it's one or two lines that prompted such a reaction. I didn't see it, although I will feel the twist in my gut reading someone else's story, I don't when it's my own.

I find that this is most often true for me when I'm writing something that *should be* extremely intense. Or affecting. Or something. I was absolutely floored when Em said "Morning" made her cry, even though I can see now that I probably would have had the same reaction if it was someone else's story. Lilias, for example, made me cry my eyes out.

Some day, when I feel particularly stable to start with, I'll read Broken Jade and tell you what I think.

but that's not what was in his head when writing

Ah, reader response, where would we be without it?

...with a lot fewer flame wars, actually. ^_^;

Some day, when I feel particularly stable to start with, I'll read Broken Jade and tell you what I think.

I think it depends on the reader - the other War Room folks adore it, but then, they frequently kill, maim, traumatize, and just plain brutalize the G-boys on a regular basis. Ah, it's a bit of a joke between us: how much can you do, and still be IC?

And it's not unremitting gloom - as a matter of fact, many of the first ten or so chapters aren't nearly as bad as people expected, because of the way I structured things. But I won't say more than that...

- Sol
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